Show Me What You Got TV!
by Red Witch
Summary: The Figgis Agency reviews the Fall TV schedule.


**Pam was too busy watching TV to see what happened to the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. Or any other TV show. Just some madness from my tiny mind on TV.**

 **Show Me What You Got TV! **

"Okay what exactly are you **doing**?" Cyril asked Pam. She was doing something with the remote to the screen in the bullpen.

"Hooking up the cable internet on demand thingies to the screen duh!" Pam snorted.

"It is rather obvious," Cheryl added. She was there with Ray and Krieger. They were sitting down and getting ready to watch.

"And why are you doing that instead of actually **working**?" Cyril snapped.

"Well A, there's **no work** ," Pam gave him a look. "B. Ms. Archer and Lana aren't here so we can pretty much do whatever we want…"

"Again," Cheryl rolled her eyes. "Obvious!"

"There's this new feature on demand," Krieger explained. "That gives brief previews of all the new shows."

"Now you can see all the new show promos online," Pam said. "On all the networks!"

"This is basically the future of TV," Krieger added. "One day in the future there will be no more real networks. Just competing brands and studios offering shows. Well except the news networks. I guess **that** will always be there. But other than that…"

"I am curious to see the new fall schedule," Ray said. "Now I can know what nights to be away from the TV."

"So basically, you guys are just going to sit down and watch what's going to be on television?" Cyril sighed. "Why does this sound like a lamer version of something I've seen before?"

"You wanted us to do something productive," Pam gave him a look. "What could be more productive than figuring out what shows we want to watch?"

Cyril shrugged and sat down. "Can't argue with that logic. Go ahead Pam."

"Show me what you got TV!" Pam grinned as she used the remote to start the program. The screen came to life with the first promo.

" _It's the Bland Family!" A male announcer spoke as a scene of a typical white man and woman with three typical kids was shown. "Nice safe comedy where nobody does anything intelligent or interesting."_

"Well that will run for a while," Pam went to the next one. "In Snore Town!"

CLICK!

" _It's the Krapp Family," A show where a man and his wife were shouting at each other and their kids were shouting at each other. "A loveable group of loudmouths who are just obnoxious enough to make you laugh. But not so horrible that we can keep them on network television and not offend anyone."_

"So basically, my family on Valium?" Cheryl scoffed. "Next!"

CLICK!

" _Murder House," A group of a psychopathic looking family with chainsaws was shown. "Meet Mr. And Mrs. Murder and their serial killing family. Watch them on NowFlix as they gleefully hunt and dismember their neighbors."_

"So basically, this is Dexter combined with The Brady Bunch?" Ray quipped as several neighbors ran from some cute kids with bloody chainsaws.

"This is my family when they forget to take their medication," Cheryl yawned. "Next!"

CLICK!

" _It's the Mobb Family!" This time a mob like man and wife and three kids were shown. "What happens when a regular Goodfella's boss just happens to be his wife? Oh Madone, the sparks are gonna fly!"_

"Nice twist," Pam admitted. "Still I feel like I've seen it before."

"I think I've seen **all these things** before," Cyril groaned.

CLICK!

" _It's Mr. Fluffy's Family," A cartoon white kitten was shown. "The adventures of a cute white kitten…"_

 _The kitten then pulled out a chainsaw. "Who happens to be a serial killer!"_

"I'm sensing a pattern," Ray drawled.

CLICK!

" _Ho House!" The scene showed Santa Claus dancing around with some scantily clad women. "What happens when the elves go on strike? Santa decides to get help from some strippers who are definitely on the Naughty List!"_

"Oh, give me a break!" Ray groaned.

"I don't know," Cyril blinked at the scantily clad women. "I think this series has some promise."

"Yeah, I'd definitely watch that," Krieger nodded.

"It's worth viewing a couple of episodes," Pam grinned.

"I think I've found my show this season," Krieger nodded. "The Christmas Season."

"Merry Christmas to **me!"** Pam grinned.

"It **is** the most wonderful time of the year!" Cyril added.

"Lame," Ray blew a raspberry.

"Ehhh," Cheryl shrugged. "Call me if any of the elves dies in a tragic accident. Or if somebody eats a reindeer or something."

CLICK!

" _Alien Hospital!" An image of humans and aliens working in a hospital was shown._

"Star Trek Meets General Hospital," Pam remarked. "Pass. Unless I hear they have good scandals."

"Honestly **that one** was only a matter of time," Krieger admitted. "I'm surprised it hasn't been done before."

"Actually, it was," Pam said. "Mercy Hospital. Only lasted one season. Apparently, there were script problems from day one."

"You mean the script sucked?" Cheryl asked.

"That was the problem yes," Pam nodded.

"They should do like a Star Trek or Star Wars hospital theme setting," Cyril said. "Within some kind of established universe."

"Yeah, I'd watch **that show** ," Krieger nodded. "Some kind of floating spaceship hospital zipping all over the place cleaning up the messes Captain Kirk made."

"Or at the very least treating the venereal diseases he left behind," Pam added.

CLICK!

" _Cyborgs In The House!" A scene of a family with robotic arms and legs waving was shown. "A comedy about a family of half human-half robots that was built for laughs!"_

"Nobody tell Archer about **this show** ," Ray said as scenes of the family using their bionics for housework was shown. "Ever."

"Agreed," Cyril said.

"Yup, yup, yup," Krieger nodded.

"Definitely," Pam nodded.

"Wait this is a _show_?" Cheryl asked.

CLICK!

" _Cyborgs In The Hood!" Several black cyborgs horsing around on the street were shown. "Life on Mars can be cool. Especially if you're a cyborg!"_

"And here come the multicultural exploitation rip offs," Pam remarked.

CLICK!

" _Bionic 7!" An image of a multicultural family of cyborgs in uniforms was shown doing heroic deeds. "A family! Brought together by fate! Saving the world with their incredible bionics!"_

"Wasn't there a show called Bionic **6?** " Pam asked. "Isn't this basically the same thing with one extra person?"

"It's a reboot," Ray remarked. "Get it?"

"I do!" Krieger chuckled. "I love cyborg humor!"

CLICK!

" _Meet Little Cybelle!" A scene of a cute animated brown skinned girl with bionics dancing around was shown. "This little Cyborg will grow and learn the value of friendship!"_

"Is this an actual **genre** now?" Ray asked. "This is now a **thing?** "

"This is the first I've heard of it," Cyril said. "Wait a minute. Krieger did you give any bionics to any network executives?"

"Technically they were only writers and a couple of producers," Krieger coughed. "Who used to work in a sea lab. Funny story…"

"Never mind," Cyril groaned. "Well this explains a lot."

CLICK!

" _Designing Cyborgs," Several gay cyborg men of various races and ethnicities were shown laughing. "A group of gay cyborgs try to break into the world of fashion. And the bones of those who try to keep these bitches down."_

"Okay I found a show for me!" Ray said cheerfully. "I found **my show**!"

"This does have potential," Pam nodded.

"Just as well Archer is sleeping through this Fall season," Cyril remarked. "Are there any **other** shows that feature Cyborgs?"

"Uh let's see…" Pam scrolled through the list. "Game of Cyborgs. Cyborg Hospital. Cyborg Detectives. Cy-Babies. Cyborg Kid Detectives. NJ Cyborgs. LA Cyborgs. Bionic Models Inc. Are You Smarter Than A Cyborg? Cyborg Love Connection. Battle of the Network Cyborgs. Teen Titans…They're doing another Bionic Man reboot…"

"Let's just skip through the cyborg shows," Cyril sighed. "What else is coming this year?"

"Shouldn't that be **who else** is coming this year?" Cheryl cheered. "Phrasing!"

"Let's try this one," Pam clicked on another promo.

CLICK!

" _Michael Grey is the Clone Hunter!" A shot of Michael Grey in a futuristic suit was shooting a laser. At himself. "A scientist bent on saving the world from his own clones!"_

"Hey! Mikey Mike got one of his shows made!" Pam cheered.

"And it's a show we pitched!" Krieger cheered. "According to that contract we made, that means we get some cold hard cash!"

"Seriously?" Cyril gasped. "All right! Maybe things are looking up for our agency?"

" _Clone Hunter has now been cancelled," Another voice spoke as the picture of Michael Grey froze on screen. The word CANCELLED stamped over it._

"Or not," Cyril groaned.

"Aw man," Krieger groaned.

"Figures," Ray let out a breath.

"How bad can a show be when it's canceled before it even **airs?** " Pam asked. "Especially when you consider all the other crap that makes it on air."

"Now you know how the people who made Cassius and Clay feel," Cheryl quipped.

"Who?" Ray asked.

"Exactly," Cheryl nodded.

CLICK!

 _"Flying High!" A shot of some half stoned drunk pilots and stewardesses laughing in a cockpit was shown. "Now boarding for Colorado Airlines! What happens when there's an airline devoted exclusively to marijuana users and dealers?"_

"I think I can imagine," Ray groaned. "I'm going to guess the running gag involves a lot of plane crashes."

"Wasn't that already a show in the 70's?" Cyril asked.

"Yeah but it was just about airline attendants," Pam waved. "This is funnier. And more ironic use of the name."

"I'm going to assume both shows have pretty much the same longevity," Ray remarked. "Which spoiler alert: The original **didn't."**

CLICK!

 _"Co-Ed Fever!" An image of teenage zombies stumbling around drinking beer and dancing was shown. "Thanks to a post-apocalyptic virus, teenage zombies are running amok on college campuses! And are having the time of their un-lives! Being dead has never been such fun since Weekend at Bernie's!"_

"I'm guessing now Hollywood is recycling titles as well as show ideas," Cyril groaned.

"I'm still waiting for that gay version of Hart to Hart," Ray grumbled.

"Me too," Pam nodded. "I could so play Max."

Ray looked at her. "I can so see that."

"Me too!" Krieger agreed.

"You would be good at that!" Cheryl agreed. "Who would I be?"

"Freeway," Cyril remarked. "Because you're both bitches."

"BURN!" Ray said cheerfully.

CLICK!

 _"Live from Hollywood! It's the Mindy Mohan Variety Hour!"_

"NO!" Everyone shouted.

CLICK!

 _"Live from his mansion in Malibu! It's the Harley Steen Violent Bomb of Facts Show!"_

"GOD NO!" Cyril shouted.

"CHANGE IT!" Krieger shouted. "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CHANGE IT!"

CLICK!

 _"Who wants to be America's Next Clown?" A picture of clowns was shown. "And no, we're not talking about political candidates. We're talking_ _ **actual clowns**_ _."_

"How drunk are these network executives **exactly**?" Cheryl asked.

"They have to be at least drunker than we are," Pam remarked. "Which should tell you something right there."

CLICK!

 _"It's the Political Correctness Show! Learn how to be politically correct at all times!"_

"GOD NO!" Cyril shouted.

CLICK!

 _"The Swamp!" The announcer said. "An in depth look at all the failed presidential candidates of this last election telling us why they lost!"_

"NO!" Everyone shouted.

"You're supposed to be our friend TV!" Cheryl shouted. "Why are you **doing** this to us?"

"Change it!" Cyril snapped. "Go to the **next** one!"

CLICK!

 _"It's the return of the Gong Show! Because honestly it's easier and cheaper if we let ordinary people humiliate themselves with their weirdness than coming up with actual scripts."_

"FINALLY!" Cheryl let out a breath of relief. "SOMEBODY **GETS IT!"**

"Yes!" Pam nodded.

"I **love** this show!" Cyril grinned.

"I want to be on this show!" Pam said.

"Me too!" Krieger grinned.

"I want to tape that episode," Ray said.

"Me too," Cyril grinned.

 _CLICK!_

 _"They rule the forest," The announcer said as glowing eyes were shown. "They live by a code of honor bound for generations. And their way of life is threatened. Again. And once again only a chosen one can fulfill_ _ **another prophecy**_ _. They are…"_

 _Several fluffy cats were shown. "LIONS!"_

"What the hell is this?" Pam asked.

"It's based on a young adult series," Ray explained. "Think Game of Thrones only with cats. And a lot less incest. And the books come out a lot faster."

"Ohhh," Pam nodded. "We're talking Warriors parody, right?"

"Oh yeah," Ray nodded.

"I'd still watch it," Cheryl admitted.

"Me too," Krieger nodded.

CLICK!

 _"Coming to Trickle-Odeon!" A fat lazy animated teen drinking some kind of soda was shown burping. "Biff: The World's Worst Avatar!"_

 _The teen burped some fire. "I'm the Avatar! Let_ _ **someone else**_ _deal with it!"_

 _Biff looked around. "Okay I'm gonna water bend some totally tubular waves and then hang with some babes!"_

"Okay I'd watch **this** Avatar," Pam admitted.

"Me too," Krieger nodded.

CLICK!

 _"Dancing with the CEOS!" The announcer shouted. "They're on top in the boardroom. But can they cut it in the ballroom?"_

"Judging by those left feet that one guy has I'm guessing the answer is no," Ray quipped.

CLICK!

 _"Sea Lab 2022!"_

"It's been done," Pam went to the next promo. "Move on!"

CLICK!

 _"Coming up! A new series about a fat gay white rapper trying to make it…"_

"Ditto," Pam remarked.

CLICK!

 _"Frisky Dingo Part Two: The Dingo Ate Baby Cody!"_

"Are you even **trying?** " Pam snapped.

CLICK!

 _"This Old Elevator!" The announcer spoke. Over the picture of a bearded guy in an elevator. "With Smiling Jim Janson!"_

"All right!" Cyril cheered. "I found **my show**!"

Everyone else looked at him. "Smiling Jim Janson is a **legend** in the elevator repair and restoration community," Cyril asked. "This is going to be awesome!"

" **This** is another reason why you will **die alone** ," Pam looked at him.

CLICK!

 _"It's the Cuddle Bunny Kickboxing Show!" A group of cute animated rabbits doing kicks and punches was shown._

"Lame!" Cheryl made a raspberry.

CLICK!

 _"It's the Pro Skee Ball Tour!"_

"I think they're running out of sports they can make a profit off of," Ray quipped.

CLICK!

 _"Trans-Vampire! A moving and offbeat story about a transsexual woman coming to terms with her life as the newly undead."_

"Same old, same old," Pam sighed.

CLICK!

 _"Orange Is The New President!"_

"NO!" Everyone groaned.

"I like the live action episodes of Veep you see every night better," Cheryl remarked.

CLICK!

 _"Secrets of the Food Service Industry."_

"The only secret is how the idiot who pitched this show got the job in the first place," Pam groaned.

CLICK!

 _"Coming up on the Discovery Channel! Remora Week!"_

"How can they be running out of animals to showcase?" Cyril asked.

"I could do something to change that," Krieger said.

"Please don't," Ray groaned.

CLICK!

 _"Yahtzee the Game Show!"_

"Pass," Pam groaned.

"Call me when it's Risk," Cyril grumbled.

CLICK!

 _"Ace Delaney! Private Eye!"_

"I think we've seen enough of **that** ," Cheryl yawned. "Change it!"

CLICK!

 _"From the Playboy Channel! A new comedy! The Natural Life. Explore the wacky happenings at Dickwood Pines, the local nudist colony!"_

"Okay! Yeah! That's a good one!" Everyone said enthusiastically.

"Definitely worth a look," Cyril started to drool over the images of female nudists.

"I'll say," Ray grinned at the sight of some male nudists.

"Finally! Something for everybody!" Krieger grinned as one of the naked women was chasing a pig that was holding a bikini in its mouth.

"Talk about your must-see TV," Pam grinned.

"There are some real quality shows this year," Cheryl grinned.

"There are," Ray nodded.

CLICK!

 _"Law and Order: Boise Idaho. NSFW: PD: Small Claims Court."_

"Okay it's official," Pam sighed. "They've just beaten this franchise to death."

CLICK!

 _"The Real Housewives of Kansas City!"_

"Speaking of beating a franchise to death," Cheryl groaned. "Pass!"

"How many new shows **are there**?" Ray asked.

"Well there's hundreds of cable channels out now so…" Krieger shrugged. "A lot."

"Oh boy," Ray groaned. "Sometimes I kind of miss the days when there were only three or four networks."

"Hey a little research now will save us hundreds of wasted hours later," Pam said.

"That's all we **do** around here is waste hours!" Cyril snapped.

CLICK!

 _"Cool Cars of the Filthy Rich."_

CLICK!

 _"Cool Cars of the Really Filthy Rich."_

CLICK!

 _"Cars That Rich People Own And You Never Will. Honestly people if you're not worth at least fifteen million you shouldn't even be_ _ **looking**_ _at this program. It will just eat you up inside for years. Haunting your every waking moment. Trust me on this."_

"Another program we can never show Archer," Cyril groaned.

CLICK!

 _"Dog Swap! People trade dogs and see how their lives are!"_

"Wow that St. Bernard will **not** fit in that tiny apartment," Cheryl remarked.

"Moving on," Pam sighed.

CLICK!

 _"America's Best New Commercials!"_

"We now take a break from this commercial to go to **another commercial** ," Ray quipped.

CLICK!

 _"America's Funniest Bathroom Incidents!"_

"We see that every **other** week around here!" Cyril snapped. "Pass!"

CLICK!

 _"Medical Drama Rock! Combining the high stakes drama of hospital life in Michigan with music!"_

"Obviously this person was not alive in the 80's," Pam remarked.

"Hang on what year is this again?" Cheryl blinked. "I keep forgetting. Never mind. It's not important."

CLICK!

 _"NJ LAW!"_

 **"Another** one?" Pam sighed. "How many law shows do we need?"

"I like those law shows," Cyril protested.

"You like anything boring!" Pam grumbled.

"I don't like anything boring!" Cyril snapped.

"Okay you like **most things** boring," Pam quipped.

CLICK!

 _"Fast Times at Mutant High!"_

"Okay what the hell is **this one**?" Ray asked as he saw pictures of mutant kids goofing off at the mall.

"Oh, I remember this," Cyril said. "This is based on that one scene they cut out of X-Men Apocalypse. You know the one where they are just having a good time goofing off at the mall."

"I don't know why they cut **that scene** ," Krieger remarked. "When they should have cut a few other ones."

"So basically, this is going to be a typical teenage sitcom only with mutants and the occasional exploding robot?" Ray asked.

"Looks like it," Krieger said. "Good!"

"About time," Pam nodded.

"About time for **another** coming of age teenage angst show?" Ray asked.

"No about time they did something different with mutants," Pam said.

Cyril remarked. "Look I get the whole persecution of people who are different and using mutants as an allegory for racism angle. It's basically the X-Men's bread and butter. But after a while…It kind of gets predictable. Especially when you see so much real racism and persecution in the news."

"This is a new twist," Krieger nodded.

"What about Legion?" Ray asked.

"That's **totally different**!" Cheryl let out an annoyed groaned. "That's a hot guy who thinks he might be crazy and falls in love with a girl who doesn't like to be touched and then he finds out he's a mutant in love with another mutant and they're also being hunted down by the government together."

"The point is the hot guy going crazy and falling in love is the main plot and the whole mutant hunting thing is the back story," Pam explained. "Not the main focus."

"Plus, that twist ending," Cheryl said. "Putting that guy in a floating poke ball. Did not know you could do that."

"Spoiler alert!" Ray snapped.

"Oh please," Pam waved. "Three seconds after something hits the internet all spoilers are fair game."

"And this has got to be better than The Inhumans," Krieger added.

"Oh yeah. Definitely. Lame!" The others agreed.

Krieger added. "Yeah push aside an established beloved minority for a different minority of xenophobic slave owners. Way to go Marvel! **Brilliant** marketing strategy!"

"They're trying to make it Game of Thrones but it is so not Game of Thrones," Pam agreed.

"Let's just stick with the comedies," Cyril suggested. "We could use a laugh around here."

"Besides your love life?" Cheryl quipped. She looked at Ray. "Burn?"

"Burn!" Ray cheered.

"You know…?" Cyril looked at them.

CLICK!

 _"Women in Prison!" The announcer said showing some women in prison. "I know we tried it before. But with this Orange is the New Black thing it was worth reviving. Oh, who am I kidding? Just forget it!"_

 _CANCELLED! Came over the screen._

"Another one bites the dust," Cheryl quipped. "Boy this is a time saver!"

"Are we anywhere **near** the end yet?" Ray asked.

"We'll be at the end when we're at the end," Pam snapped.

CLICK!

 _"From the people that brought you Spy Agency: A True Story," The announcer said. "It's Spy Agency The Series!"_

"Wait a minute…" Cyril blinked. " **What** did he say?"

 _The announcer kept going as they showed some actors who looked a lot like certain members of the agency. "Follow the mayhem and misadventures of the spies of the HADES_ _Agency. Alcoholic man child agent Archer 'Princess' Silver. His domineering alcoholic mother Melody Silver. Agent Lana Lane, Silver's on again off again girlfriend. Simon Faggis the inept but well-hung accountant that somehow gets it on with all the girls. Gossipy Sam Snoovey. Dr. Kroger the creepy mad scientist. And the ditsy glue sniffing secretary Sherry Punt."_

"Don't change it Pam!" Cyril told her. "I don't believe this!"

"Yeah where's **my parody character** in this?" Ray snapped.

"Focus Ray!" Cyril snapped.

"Oh God," Pam paled. "This is so **not good**!"

"Wow those people look familiar," Cheryl blinked.

"Let's not jump to conclusions," Krieger told them. "Maybe it won't be that bad?"

 _There was a scene from the show. They were in Melody's office which looked a lot like Mallory's old office. Almost everyone was in their underwear. "Melody!" Laura shouted. "You can't be serious about ransoming a hydrogen bomb to the US government!"_

 _"For the last time Laura Lame," Melody rolled her eyes. "It's not a ransom. It's a_ _ **reward**_ _!" She was the only one not in her underwear._

 _"You know they're going to reward us with a firing squad, right?" Her son Silver remarked._

 _"Oh, shut your dick holster!" She snapped._

 _A man poked his head out from behind the desk. "But I thought you liked that!" He spoke with a Russian accent._

 _"Not you!" Melody snapped._

 _"Mother not again!" Silver gasped in horror. "How many times are you going to have an affair with the head of the KGB?"_

 _"Uhh…" Melody paused. "Until the orgasms stop?"_

"Okay this is bad," Krieger winced.

"They **didn't**!" Cyril gasped.

"They did," Ray groaned.

 _"OH GOD! NO! NO! NO!" Silver was having tantrum on screen. "MOMMY WHY DO YOU DO THESE THINGS TO ME! WHY ARE YOU SUCH A SLUT?"_

 _"Don't speak to your mother like that!" The KGB Head snapped._

 _"You're not my father!" Silver screamed._

 _"How would_ _ **you**_ _know?" The KGB Head challenged. To this Silver screamed like a little girl and passed out on the floor._

"Although I do admit there are some parts that are wildly accurate," Cyril snickered.

"So, there's a TV show on a cable network that's based on our lives?" Pam was stunned.

"That's what I've been saying for **years!"** Cheryl snapped. "DUH!"

"You've been saying our lives are **an actual show!"** Ray snapped.

"I don't see the difference," Cheryl shrugged.

 _There was another scene of the Hades Agency having a wild party complete with dancing girls in bikinis and an ostrich running amok. When Melody Silver stepped out of the office to glare at her employees._

 _Melody shouted. "Who do you have to murder around here to get some damn ice?"_

 _An ostrich walked up to her carrying a bucket of ice. "That's better," Melody said. "You get a promotion."_

 **"Nobody** tell Ms. Archer about this," Pam warned.

"Tell me **what?** "

Pam quickly turned off the monitor as they spun around and looked at Mallory Archer glaring at them. "What are you idiots **doing?** " She snapped.

"Nothing!" Everyone except Cheryl shouted as they got to their feet.

Cheryl however said. "Watching a tv promo about a show…"

"The Gong Show!" Pam said quickly. "The Gong Show is coming back!"

"Yeah Gong Show! Great show!" Cyril nodded.

"Great TV!" Krieger added. "That's a fun show to watch! Right?"

"Pass! If I want to watch stupid people doing stupid things I'll just come into work," Mallory grumbled as she left the room.


End file.
